Whatever Happened to Kindness?

we are bees trying to survive off of vinegar

I had a Southern upbringing, with everything one would imagine that entails. Sweet tea, porch swings, barefoot adventures. Conservative politics, Sunday dresses, and kids with BB guns. All that and more.

But one of my favorite things about my Southern upbringing was the way my mama used words.

Madder than a wet hen. Hasn't got a pot to pee in. Down yonder a little ways. Bless her heart.

Funny little sayings though they were, there was a lesson to be learned in their simplicity. Sometimes, we try too darn hard to say things extravagantly when the truth is really quite plain. And one of those funny, simple truths stuck with me my whole life.

I was eleven years old when I first came home crying on account of the mean girls. Mama sat me on the front porch swing and listened as I prattled through my emotions. I was heartbroken. I was embarrassed. I was angry.

"I tell you what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna think of the most clever, nasty names in the world and I'm gonna march right up to their lunchroom table and let 'em know how I really feel!"

Mama just listened. Then she started with questions.

What was it that I wanted in all of this? Was it revenge? Was it popularity?

No, not really.

Or was it just that I wished to have good, kind friends?

Bingo.

"Well, sweetheart. You know what they say. You attract more bees with honey than vinegar."

I let that sink in for a while. I didn't like the thought of being vinegar, all sour and bitter. I needed to be the honey, sweet and pure. Simple enough, right?

As it turned out, being honey was really stinking hard.

But I worked at it. For the next few years, I was careful with my words. When in a disagreement, I would try my best to kindly state my argument. Politics, religion, whatever the topic...if something needed to be said, I tried to say it gently. I had to slow down my emotions and get a handle on my tongue. Self-control does not come naturally to me. It was a constant, uphill battle.

But you know what? After all those years, it turned out Mama was right.

The bees did show up.

Over the last few years, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend on the internet. People are taking to their keyboards with a heated fervor, unleashing their no-holds-barred opinions into the world. Crass language and crude humor, and an "if you don't like it, you can shove it" attitude.

At first I sat back and watched. Was it really necessary to be so harsh? Weren't they gonna scare everyone away with their sharp tongues and dirty words?

Didn't their mama tell them about vinegar and bees?

But the nastier the opinion, the meaner the delivery, or the cruder the story...the more likes, shares, and comments seemed to appear. People ate this stuff up!

The bees were buzzing, and I was baffled

Is this what our generation believes? That being blunt and rude is the same as being strong and witty?

If so, I gotta tell ya: We are far off base.

It is pretty darn easy to state your mind bluntly. Having no filter requires no forethought. But taking something you believe in passionately and sharing it in a way that is respectful and kind? That takes an intentional approach.

Is this what our generation believes? That being blunt and rude is the same as being strong and witty?

If so, I gotta tell ya: We are far off base.

It is pretty darn easy to state your mind bluntly. Having no filter requires no forethought. But taking something you believe in passionately and sharing it in a way that is respectful and kind? That takes an intentional approach.

It takes effort.

I realize that I cling to so many notions society would shun as being antiquated. I believe in chivalry, respect of elders, and good table manners. I believe in "yes ma'am" and "no, thank you".

And I believe that there is strength in kindness.

That being cruel is usually unnecessary and almost always avoidable. That learning to choose your words carefully and share your opinion thoughtfully is an art worth practicing. I believe that there is a time and a place for vinegar, but that you lose your taste for it if it's the only thing you use.

And regardless of the strange behavior of these modern bees, I believe it is worth the effort to be honey.

Because, like my mama always said: If something is worth being said, it's worth being said well.

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note from MK: Today, I am making a promise to my readers: That I will return to prioritizing kindness in discourse. That I will serve honey whenever possible. This doesn’t mean I won’t speak my beliefs or that I’ll allow cruelty toward my marginalized readers. It means that I see a need for change, and that I know it must start with me. Please accept my apology for any harshness I’ve used when stating my beliefs. I can do better, we call can. And today, I promise to try.