Oh mama, do I hear this. When my husband, love of my life, other half of my heart, started making good money, he was apparently entitled to have an affair with his secretary. We divorce, he marries her, they have a child, they divorce. He tries to come back to me, I’m too hurt, he eventually marries another woman.
But this one is lovely. He died in January 2022 and she and I have spoken a few times since then. When he was on his deathbed in hospital, our daughter brought me to see him and we kissed goodbye. He mumbled “Always … my heart”. His wife and our daughter were in the hallway. We all get together now for family dinners and enjoy each other’s company.
But during the many years after our divorce, I found solace in bottles. I had zero love for myself and barely managed to mother our daughters.
I’m currently celebrating almost 20 glorious months of sobriety and have rediscovered myself. A number of people have told me that I glow. Nice to hear, when it’s not because I’m flushed with alcohol.
No matter what happens, we’re still in there, in all our shining glory. And the world needs us, with all our remembered pain and hard-won wisdom. ONWARDS IN STRENGTH!
Of course, and I appreciate your transparency. I bet it has been, from what you've written it almost seems -from the outside looking in- impossible to embrace, even accept what you've had to endure, but it appears there's a silver lining. Peace be upon you and the family
I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice, because as many here in the comments can claim - I've been there. The reason I'm serving up this bowl of advice, is no one ever tells the divorcee this, until they've made several missteps and gotten themselves in another mess or strayed off into self pity/world hating hell.
Since you're obviously an intelligent and savvy person, the concepts will be easy and obvious, but having them said by another, is key. It validates, what you already know and give you agency to forge ahead out of the grief and heal.
1) You've already figure this one out - applause to you - You are 50% of the equation. People don't like to hear this, because they themselves, can't possibly be part responsible for the pain they feel - it's has to be that SOB's or Bi*ch's fault, that my world came crashing down and was ruined. Sorry, but with VERY few exceptions and I mean VERY few, we bear 50% of the responsibility. I won't go into the details of how that equation breaks down - it's enough that you get it.
2) You must detox from this emotional and mental insult AND understand that when you do, there is no regaining the person you were, before the marriage. That person is gone and should be. That person made choices to enter and then stay in the situation, that has led you here. The person you will be after the detox is new, a clean slate, yes with scars of wisdom, but ready to meet the world unencumbered, by learned and adopted dysfunction. That last part is what most fail to achieve and so live cycles of misery.
Part of this detox is understanding that for the entirety of your marriage, your perspective was colored by filters, that became more dysfunctional as time went on. They could have been self delusion, anger, retaliation, self doubt, hatred, misery, avoidance, etc. You, by default of survival, came to view not just your relationship, but the world around you, through these filters - whether you know it or not. Like a dog that cowers at a raised hand, you learned to relate to the world based on these filters...and the distortion they impose.
A simple, easy, but abstract example of this is the porn addict, who see's the world through many sexualized filters. Anything and everything has a sexual connotation or potential to them. When the filters are removed, the world can be seen as it is, without the all encompassing sexualization. I've spoken to many men, who've done years of work to overcome their addiction (and it's filters) and they reported their view of the world and people around them drastically changed. They felt they were free to interact without the hinderance of the addictive and destructive filtering.
If you've ever heard the phrase "the devil you know is better, than the devil you don't", then you've heard the reason many repeat bad relationships and find themselves in the same situations, with the same types of partners and fighting the same fight...over and over again.
We are comfortable in the chaos we know, even if we hate it. Humans always return to what is comfortable and known, and so the cycle repeats.
If you can learn to see the world, unencumbered by the familiar and safe, but destructive filters, then you are on your way to the new you.
3) you cannot do this work in a relationship. I know there are many who'll disagree and that's fine, there's more than one way to skin a cat. However, the work you need to do, requires your attention and efforts to be focused on YOU. unsurprisingly, when we are in relationships or even friendships (with someone who could be a potential interests) we tend to focus on the other person and the new connection, rather than do the hard work and focus on ourselves - as you well know, it's called avoidance.
Thus, the critical work is set aside for an outing or event, it's de-railed by focusing on the other persons problems. Or in the worst cases, in our want for soothing and affection (we all want that - especially when hurt) we fall into an unwise romantic connection, we take ourselves back to square one and have to start all over again, when this new connection starts to disintegrate.
So take the time to be alone, sit with the sadness, loneliness and loss. Grieve the death of the former you, the promising partner you thought you had, the life you imagined, the time and effort lost, but do it alone - emotionally.
For all these reasons, it goes without saying - AVOID REBOUND/HOOK UP RELATIONSHIPS.
4) Now that you are "cleansed and detoxed" figure out who you are...it's a new you. Many find they are lost, at this point. When they married, they stopped being the developing, evolving singular person and became that ever coveted (my sarcasm) half of a whole. When kids hit the scene they became something different again. Their aspirations, wants, needs and desires, no longer were those of the pre-married person, but that of the other half or parent.
The individual you are today, is none of those things and is not the pre-married person either. this is a new you and MUST be defined BY YOU, otherwise you will look for that definition, meaning, purpose and importance in someone else, on their terms and with their dysfunctions and the cycle begin again.
5) Once you know who you now are, what you want for yourself, your future and most importantly you've healed the wounds from the last relationship, you can start looking again.
Now, by this time, you should have figured out all those red flags you missed from the last relationship - not just in the other person, but in yourself, as well. There were multitudes of them, that you intentionally or unintentionally ignored. You have to figure those out and the reasons behind why you missed them, before you try and navigate those relationship waters, again.
Doing so will help you set boundaries and bottom lines, both for yourself and for those who you interact with. Without those, it will be difficult to chose/find a partner that compliments you, verses completes you.
Please, for your sake and that of a potential "good fit", please be as close to completed (emotionally) as possible, before getting into another relationship. Many problems arise (as you well know) when we look to others to complete us...they can't and should not. It is our responsibility alone, to make ourselves happy, fulfilled, strong, wise and content. We do a disservice to others, when we make THEM, responsible for those things, in us.
6) Trust your gut and communicate.
You know what you know, so listen when you speak internally. Recognize the red flags when they wave, but avoid trying to see them, when they aren't there. Like wise, listen to what the other person is saying. people will often tell you what they are thinking or what they believe. The guy that says "I don't deserve you" probably does not. The woman that says "you're too good for me" is probably giving you a warning. Of course that's not the case always, but more times than not, it is.
Ok, that's it. By no means is that a complete or all encompassing litany, but it is the bones of what I've offered others, in your situation.
You have my empathy, for the time you are in now, but know that, it will pass and the life that awaits you on the other side of this dark journey, is amazing, if you only choose to do the work.
Eurika!! Oh boy, this hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been divorced for 12 yrs and I never realized this about myself. Every word you wrote went straight to my heart. I’m crying because of this realization. Now, let’s work on loving ourselves!
Dear MK, I have felt your pain deeply but it was in that pain that I experienced the love of God in ways most folks never do. I am on my 4th marriage, 15 years in and I finally know first-hand how a good marriage is supposed to work. My last marriage lasted 15 years and towards the end (last 5 years!) it was a nightmare but I hung on for as long as I could since "God hates divorce". As things turned out, I fought for and got custody of my two tweens (hard for a dad to do in Texas) because I knew the "why" I was leaving and refused to leave my kids behind. My pastors were not supportive and even less so when I talked remarriage. I got all the stats thrown at me about remarriages having statistically higher divorce rates, etc., but I knew the God of the maths then and I know Him now. He has a plan for you and like Jeremiah wrote, they are good plans to prosper you and to give you hope and a future. Grace and peace in this journey!
Wow, loving yourself is hard. And yet I man finding if I don’t love myself, I can’t accept anyone else’s love. You absolutely deserve to be loved and accepted for you; all of you.
This has been my story. I ended up never marrying but I have a wonderful son, raised by my village. What I have learned is that I sought broken people. The beautiful, the fun, the intelligent, and the breathtaking can be broken, too and I would find them. Perhaps my brokenness longed to meld our jagged edges and we would become whole. We all know how that ends. Splinters and scars.
He didn't stop loving you, my darling- he never knew how to love enough, because of his brokenness. So learn how very, very lovable you are. You are gifted by God to strive and share and you are changing the world. Turn your face up to the breeze and the sun. Breathe. You are loved beyond measure.
I would upgrade but, like you, im now alone and being it's so hard to make life what you want it to be financially, it takes one person to work 2 jobs to get by, and I can't even work one. I've been where you are right now, two times. I've been on my own for umpteen years now. I do feel good about raising 3 kids by myself, but it took everything in me to do so. But it can be done. I'm proof. I'm sorry to say, that I was left with one 'negative' from it all, and that is, I'm afraid to go a third round. I've dated a few times, but cannot let myself care or love someone enough to get involved in a relationship. I think maybe I've become gun shy? Anyway...you'll get through it. Either by choice or by no choice. Pick one. Doesn't matter which one, because you have to do it anyway. There is tons to tell about the experience of divorce, but not enough time or space in this little box. Making the point a short one...you WILL be OK. You have yourself to depend on. You WILL be OK. Take it from someone who use to be weak then became strong. You can do it. You will need lots of hugs to keep you going, and you have 2 beauties of yourself to do it. Sending you live and prayers to help you along. 🙏
Me: I'm falling apart. Can you put me back together?
God: I would rather not.
Me: Why?
God: Because you aren't a puzzle.
Me: What about all of the pieces of my life that are falling down onto the ground?
God: Let them stay there for a while. They fell off for a reason. Take some time and decide if you need any of those pieces back.
Me: You don't understand! I'm breaking down!
God: No - you don't understand. You are breaking through. What you are feeling are just growing pains. You are shedding the things and the people in your life that are holding you back. You aren't falling apart. You are falling into place. Relax. Take some deep breaths and allow those things you don't need anymore to fall off of you. Quit holding onto the pieces that don't fit you anymore. Let them fall off. Let them go.
Me: Once I start doing that, what will be left of me?
God: Only the very best pieces of you.
Me: I'm scared of changing.
God: I keep telling you - YOU AREN'T CHANGING!! YOU ARE BECOMING!
Me: Becoming who?
God: Becoming who I created you to be! A person of light and love and charity and hope and courage and joy and mercy and grace and compassion. I made you for more than the shallow pieces you have decided to adorn yourself with that you cling to with such greed and fear. Let those things fall off of you. I love you! Don't change! ... Become! Become! Become who I made you to be. I'm going to keep telling you this until you remember it.
Me: There goes another piece.
God: Yep. Let it be.
Me: So ... I'm not broken?
God: Of course Not! - but you are breaking like the dawn. It's a new day. Become!!!
You are grieving and I can feel your sadness, your hurting heart. Maybe some anger and fear too. And yet you’ve managed to write a beautifully raw and honest post. Terrific writing! I wish you strength and support and lots of self care, sweet girl. 🫶
How do you learn to love yourself? Where does not loving yourself come from!! I guess it is just living in a fallen sinful world where satan is in his lace right now!!
It's a paradox isn't it? Being selfless for many is an ultimate goal. Often rewarded or praised. We're told being selfish is an example of faulty character. Between the two I have found is a balance of sorts. We have not met before, but I can tell you that you are an embodiment of experience. A history book of knowledge based on past traumas, conflicts, challenges, or barriers. Yet here you stand. Beat yes, broken no. Where you sit today I bet there's many situations and/or circumstances you may find yoursellf looking back on wondering, "how did I overcome that?" Or maybe you were well aware of each step of your path. In either case here we are and you are a champion within your life. You've been down, you've taken punches, you've rolled with the punches, but each time you get up, adjust, and continue striving. For me, being thankful for what I've been gifted with has always been more then enough. In my mind and heart I say "thank you for all I have and thank you for all that I don't, as there are lessons to learn from both." Peace be upon your travels Ms. Katherine.
Oh mama, do I hear this. When my husband, love of my life, other half of my heart, started making good money, he was apparently entitled to have an affair with his secretary. We divorce, he marries her, they have a child, they divorce. He tries to come back to me, I’m too hurt, he eventually marries another woman.
But this one is lovely. He died in January 2022 and she and I have spoken a few times since then. When he was on his deathbed in hospital, our daughter brought me to see him and we kissed goodbye. He mumbled “Always … my heart”. His wife and our daughter were in the hallway. We all get together now for family dinners and enjoy each other’s company.
But during the many years after our divorce, I found solace in bottles. I had zero love for myself and barely managed to mother our daughters.
I’m currently celebrating almost 20 glorious months of sobriety and have rediscovered myself. A number of people have told me that I glow. Nice to hear, when it’s not because I’m flushed with alcohol.
No matter what happens, we’re still in there, in all our shining glory. And the world needs us, with all our remembered pain and hard-won wisdom. ONWARDS IN STRENGTH!
Your strength is an example for many. In addition, congratulations on the 20 months of sobriety.
Thank you so much. It’s been interesting. 😏
Of course, and I appreciate your transparency. I bet it has been, from what you've written it almost seems -from the outside looking in- impossible to embrace, even accept what you've had to endure, but it appears there's a silver lining. Peace be upon you and the family
OK MK,
I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice, because as many here in the comments can claim - I've been there. The reason I'm serving up this bowl of advice, is no one ever tells the divorcee this, until they've made several missteps and gotten themselves in another mess or strayed off into self pity/world hating hell.
Since you're obviously an intelligent and savvy person, the concepts will be easy and obvious, but having them said by another, is key. It validates, what you already know and give you agency to forge ahead out of the grief and heal.
1) You've already figure this one out - applause to you - You are 50% of the equation. People don't like to hear this, because they themselves, can't possibly be part responsible for the pain they feel - it's has to be that SOB's or Bi*ch's fault, that my world came crashing down and was ruined. Sorry, but with VERY few exceptions and I mean VERY few, we bear 50% of the responsibility. I won't go into the details of how that equation breaks down - it's enough that you get it.
2) You must detox from this emotional and mental insult AND understand that when you do, there is no regaining the person you were, before the marriage. That person is gone and should be. That person made choices to enter and then stay in the situation, that has led you here. The person you will be after the detox is new, a clean slate, yes with scars of wisdom, but ready to meet the world unencumbered, by learned and adopted dysfunction. That last part is what most fail to achieve and so live cycles of misery.
Part of this detox is understanding that for the entirety of your marriage, your perspective was colored by filters, that became more dysfunctional as time went on. They could have been self delusion, anger, retaliation, self doubt, hatred, misery, avoidance, etc. You, by default of survival, came to view not just your relationship, but the world around you, through these filters - whether you know it or not. Like a dog that cowers at a raised hand, you learned to relate to the world based on these filters...and the distortion they impose.
A simple, easy, but abstract example of this is the porn addict, who see's the world through many sexualized filters. Anything and everything has a sexual connotation or potential to them. When the filters are removed, the world can be seen as it is, without the all encompassing sexualization. I've spoken to many men, who've done years of work to overcome their addiction (and it's filters) and they reported their view of the world and people around them drastically changed. They felt they were free to interact without the hinderance of the addictive and destructive filtering.
If you've ever heard the phrase "the devil you know is better, than the devil you don't", then you've heard the reason many repeat bad relationships and find themselves in the same situations, with the same types of partners and fighting the same fight...over and over again.
We are comfortable in the chaos we know, even if we hate it. Humans always return to what is comfortable and known, and so the cycle repeats.
If you can learn to see the world, unencumbered by the familiar and safe, but destructive filters, then you are on your way to the new you.
3) you cannot do this work in a relationship. I know there are many who'll disagree and that's fine, there's more than one way to skin a cat. However, the work you need to do, requires your attention and efforts to be focused on YOU. unsurprisingly, when we are in relationships or even friendships (with someone who could be a potential interests) we tend to focus on the other person and the new connection, rather than do the hard work and focus on ourselves - as you well know, it's called avoidance.
Thus, the critical work is set aside for an outing or event, it's de-railed by focusing on the other persons problems. Or in the worst cases, in our want for soothing and affection (we all want that - especially when hurt) we fall into an unwise romantic connection, we take ourselves back to square one and have to start all over again, when this new connection starts to disintegrate.
So take the time to be alone, sit with the sadness, loneliness and loss. Grieve the death of the former you, the promising partner you thought you had, the life you imagined, the time and effort lost, but do it alone - emotionally.
For all these reasons, it goes without saying - AVOID REBOUND/HOOK UP RELATIONSHIPS.
4) Now that you are "cleansed and detoxed" figure out who you are...it's a new you. Many find they are lost, at this point. When they married, they stopped being the developing, evolving singular person and became that ever coveted (my sarcasm) half of a whole. When kids hit the scene they became something different again. Their aspirations, wants, needs and desires, no longer were those of the pre-married person, but that of the other half or parent.
The individual you are today, is none of those things and is not the pre-married person either. this is a new you and MUST be defined BY YOU, otherwise you will look for that definition, meaning, purpose and importance in someone else, on their terms and with their dysfunctions and the cycle begin again.
5) Once you know who you now are, what you want for yourself, your future and most importantly you've healed the wounds from the last relationship, you can start looking again.
Now, by this time, you should have figured out all those red flags you missed from the last relationship - not just in the other person, but in yourself, as well. There were multitudes of them, that you intentionally or unintentionally ignored. You have to figure those out and the reasons behind why you missed them, before you try and navigate those relationship waters, again.
Doing so will help you set boundaries and bottom lines, both for yourself and for those who you interact with. Without those, it will be difficult to chose/find a partner that compliments you, verses completes you.
Please, for your sake and that of a potential "good fit", please be as close to completed (emotionally) as possible, before getting into another relationship. Many problems arise (as you well know) when we look to others to complete us...they can't and should not. It is our responsibility alone, to make ourselves happy, fulfilled, strong, wise and content. We do a disservice to others, when we make THEM, responsible for those things, in us.
6) Trust your gut and communicate.
You know what you know, so listen when you speak internally. Recognize the red flags when they wave, but avoid trying to see them, when they aren't there. Like wise, listen to what the other person is saying. people will often tell you what they are thinking or what they believe. The guy that says "I don't deserve you" probably does not. The woman that says "you're too good for me" is probably giving you a warning. Of course that's not the case always, but more times than not, it is.
Ok, that's it. By no means is that a complete or all encompassing litany, but it is the bones of what I've offered others, in your situation.
You have my empathy, for the time you are in now, but know that, it will pass and the life that awaits you on the other side of this dark journey, is amazing, if you only choose to do the work.
Best wishes and prayers for peace and strength.
CTD
sometimes getting rhyme is a stretch lol...
Joy is your PORTION!
PLEASE don't hide it!
LOVE is a TRAIN!
I hope YOU ride it!!!
PEACE is YOUR RIGHT!
When it's all said and done:
I HOPE and PRAY you GETCHUSOME!........................much love sent your way b
Heartbreaking to read but so well said. It’s one of your many gifts!
Eurika!! Oh boy, this hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been divorced for 12 yrs and I never realized this about myself. Every word you wrote went straight to my heart. I’m crying because of this realization. Now, let’s work on loving ourselves!
When my pop was around, he used to say "If you don't do it, it won't get done." Peace be upon your journey of discovery and exploration of you.
Dear MK, I have felt your pain deeply but it was in that pain that I experienced the love of God in ways most folks never do. I am on my 4th marriage, 15 years in and I finally know first-hand how a good marriage is supposed to work. My last marriage lasted 15 years and towards the end (last 5 years!) it was a nightmare but I hung on for as long as I could since "God hates divorce". As things turned out, I fought for and got custody of my two tweens (hard for a dad to do in Texas) because I knew the "why" I was leaving and refused to leave my kids behind. My pastors were not supportive and even less so when I talked remarriage. I got all the stats thrown at me about remarriages having statistically higher divorce rates, etc., but I knew the God of the maths then and I know Him now. He has a plan for you and like Jeremiah wrote, they are good plans to prosper you and to give you hope and a future. Grace and peace in this journey!
Wow, loving yourself is hard. And yet I man finding if I don’t love myself, I can’t accept anyone else’s love. You absolutely deserve to be loved and accepted for you; all of you.
This has been my story. I ended up never marrying but I have a wonderful son, raised by my village. What I have learned is that I sought broken people. The beautiful, the fun, the intelligent, and the breathtaking can be broken, too and I would find them. Perhaps my brokenness longed to meld our jagged edges and we would become whole. We all know how that ends. Splinters and scars.
He didn't stop loving you, my darling- he never knew how to love enough, because of his brokenness. So learn how very, very lovable you are. You are gifted by God to strive and share and you are changing the world. Turn your face up to the breeze and the sun. Breathe. You are loved beyond measure.
It’s an uninvited truth isn’t it? I feel your pain intimately and I have, and, I’m
still going through it. I love you so much and I hope we all come out of this sorrow in one piece. Take care my special friend.
I would upgrade but, like you, im now alone and being it's so hard to make life what you want it to be financially, it takes one person to work 2 jobs to get by, and I can't even work one. I've been where you are right now, two times. I've been on my own for umpteen years now. I do feel good about raising 3 kids by myself, but it took everything in me to do so. But it can be done. I'm proof. I'm sorry to say, that I was left with one 'negative' from it all, and that is, I'm afraid to go a third round. I've dated a few times, but cannot let myself care or love someone enough to get involved in a relationship. I think maybe I've become gun shy? Anyway...you'll get through it. Either by choice or by no choice. Pick one. Doesn't matter which one, because you have to do it anyway. There is tons to tell about the experience of divorce, but not enough time or space in this little box. Making the point a short one...you WILL be OK. You have yourself to depend on. You WILL be OK. Take it from someone who use to be weak then became strong. You can do it. You will need lots of hugs to keep you going, and you have 2 beauties of yourself to do it. Sending you live and prayers to help you along. 🙏
I saw this and thought of you.
This is beautiful!
Me: Hey God.
God: Hello.....
Me: I'm falling apart. Can you put me back together?
God: I would rather not.
Me: Why?
God: Because you aren't a puzzle.
Me: What about all of the pieces of my life that are falling down onto the ground?
God: Let them stay there for a while. They fell off for a reason. Take some time and decide if you need any of those pieces back.
Me: You don't understand! I'm breaking down!
God: No - you don't understand. You are breaking through. What you are feeling are just growing pains. You are shedding the things and the people in your life that are holding you back. You aren't falling apart. You are falling into place. Relax. Take some deep breaths and allow those things you don't need anymore to fall off of you. Quit holding onto the pieces that don't fit you anymore. Let them fall off. Let them go.
Me: Once I start doing that, what will be left of me?
God: Only the very best pieces of you.
Me: I'm scared of changing.
God: I keep telling you - YOU AREN'T CHANGING!! YOU ARE BECOMING!
Me: Becoming who?
God: Becoming who I created you to be! A person of light and love and charity and hope and courage and joy and mercy and grace and compassion. I made you for more than the shallow pieces you have decided to adorn yourself with that you cling to with such greed and fear. Let those things fall off of you. I love you! Don't change! ... Become! Become! Become who I made you to be. I'm going to keep telling you this until you remember it.
Me: There goes another piece.
God: Yep. Let it be.
Me: So ... I'm not broken?
God: Of course Not! - but you are breaking like the dawn. It's a new day. Become!!!
~Author John Roedel
You are grieving and I can feel your sadness, your hurting heart. Maybe some anger and fear too. And yet you’ve managed to write a beautifully raw and honest post. Terrific writing! I wish you strength and support and lots of self care, sweet girl. 🫶
(Continued from Shirley. ) And you have 2 little beauties of yourself to give you plenty.. Sending you hugs and prayers to help. 🙏
How do you learn to love yourself? Where does not loving yourself come from!! I guess it is just living in a fallen sinful world where satan is in his lace right now!!
It's a paradox isn't it? Being selfless for many is an ultimate goal. Often rewarded or praised. We're told being selfish is an example of faulty character. Between the two I have found is a balance of sorts. We have not met before, but I can tell you that you are an embodiment of experience. A history book of knowledge based on past traumas, conflicts, challenges, or barriers. Yet here you stand. Beat yes, broken no. Where you sit today I bet there's many situations and/or circumstances you may find yoursellf looking back on wondering, "how did I overcome that?" Or maybe you were well aware of each step of your path. In either case here we are and you are a champion within your life. You've been down, you've taken punches, you've rolled with the punches, but each time you get up, adjust, and continue striving. For me, being thankful for what I've been gifted with has always been more then enough. In my mind and heart I say "thank you for all I have and thank you for all that I don't, as there are lessons to learn from both." Peace be upon your travels Ms. Katherine.
Thank you!
You're very welcome.
Love yourself. You are enough. No expectations. Just friendship with trust for one another. If the person cannot care, it's okay leave.
I think you will like this and that it will make you smile. At least I hope it will. ❤️
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/do-you-know-jesus-tom-asacker-rsn1e