The Ugly Side of Healing

the journey to joy isn't all sunshine & thats ok

When I first started healing, I thought it would be all about peace, joy, and relief—the light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. And yes, there was light. But before I could fully step into it, I found myself wading through a swamp of anger and disgust I hadn’t expected.

Anger at people I loved who treated me, and each other, in toxic ways. Anger at the ways their actions shaped me, held me back, or stole pieces of my joy.

But the hardest part?

The anger I felt at myself—for staying so long in those environments, for not protecting myself better, for letting those patterns bleed into my life.

It felt like a tidal wave of emotions I didn’t know how to handle.

Some days, the disgust overwhelmed me. I couldn’t believe how clearly I could see things now that had once felt normal. I found myself looking back with a mix of sadness and frustration at all the moments I let pass, the boundaries I didn’t enforce, and the ways I allowed others’ toxicity to shape my reality.

I thought healing meant letting go of the negative and welcoming the positive, but no one warned me that this is part of healing too. These emotions—anger, disgust, sadness—they aren’t signs that you’re failing or doing something wrong.

They’re signs that you’re finally seeing clearly, that you’re allowing yourself to confront the truth, even when it’s ugly.

To anyone else walking through this: if this is where you are, it’s okay. It’s normal to feel angry, disgusted, or heartbroken when the truth comes into focus. It’s valid to sit with those feelings, to honor them as part of your journey.

Let yourself feel it all.

Being angry doesn’t make you cruel.

Feeling disgust doesn’t mean you’re unkind.

These emotions don’t make you any less of a good person—they make you human. This is the messy, painful, necessary part of healing. You have to feel these things to move through them, to learn from them, and to keep growing.

Give yourself permission to grieve the past, to be angry about what was taken from you, and to be disgusted at the things you once tolerated. Then, when the time is right, let those feelings guide you into a stronger, freer version of yourself. You’re not doing this wrong.

You’re doing the work.

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Dear readers,

Writing is my livelihood, and it means the world to me that you’re here. I will always keep my writing paywall free, because I don’t feel like there should be a barrier for receiving encouragement. But for those who choose the paid support option, thank you for keeping my lights on.

Not just in my little house, but inside my heart, as well.

Love,

Mary Katherine