Grief, Gratitude, and Giving them Flowers

to the people who show up without calling

So, I was scrolling through Instagram tonight when I came across this video by Jesse Itzler (for those who don’t know, he’s an entrepreneur, author, and part-owner of the Atlanta Hawks). My feed is mostly football and jam bands these days (I think the algorithm is stalking my boyfriend). Anyways, it’s weird that this guy ended up in the mix, but I’m glad that he did.

It was a TedX talk, and Mr. Itzler was discussing a time when he’d just experienced a profound loss. One day after receiving the devastating news, a friend showed up at his doorstep.

Jesse was floored that his friend was there—and not because he didn’t want him. It was only because he hadn’t been asked. And to this, his friend beautifully responded, “When someone you love is grieving like this, you don’t call. You just show up.”

When I tell you this hit me in the feelings.

I think his friend’s statement resonated so deeply because I am recently acquainted with grief. We met about year ago when I was kicked in the face by the end of an 18 year marriage. Over the course of my life, I’d lost family and classmates, but never had I felt crushed in that way. When you lose something dear to your heart like that, it alters your mindset permanently. And the hurt just keeps growing, it doesn’t stop there. It touches every place in your life. Because first time grief is never a one loss event—it triggers a whole cascade of losses—loss of identity, loss of stability, loss of innocence, too.

I think that one was the hardest for me.

There’s a childlike part of you that forever disappears once you experience the weight of true grief. And once you have felt the depths of that hurt, it’s easy to recognize in others. I identified with Mr. Itzel and his experience with grief, and his gratitude for his friend also moved me.

It made me reflect on my journey, and consider the people who “just showed up”. As soon as they heard that my heart was in crisis, they didn’t ask—they simply booked flights. Without hesitation, my best friends rearranged their lives and showed up with hugs on my doorstep.

At the time, I was grateful, and I think I made that clear.

But.

I don’t think I fully understood what those acts meant to me until now—now that my wounds are mending. Like Mr. Itzler, it took me some time to unpack what an incredible gift all this was. But from a healed perspective, I am starting to see the magnitude of what these friends did. Dropping everything to show up for someone in the midst of their chaos—that is an extraordinary act of love.

One that I’m realizing is precious and rare, and something to feel gratitude for.

So, to the people who showed up in my moments of grief, I want to take time and say thank you. Sara and Meredith. Clarebear and Stephanie. Lauren. My siblings and parents. And everyone else who held me together when I was trying so hard to stay broken.

I don’t know if you realize this or not, but you did so much more than just be there for me. You showed up without asking and gave me comfort. You made me feel cared for and seen. You exemplified the beauty of love in action, without burdening me with any expectations.

Your support was the foundation my healing required. The love which my new life was built on. I’m not sure there’s a thank you big enough for that, but that’s the language that I have been given.

So thank you, from the depths of my happy little heart for being the ones who showed up.

And for those of you reading this, I know so many of us have been through seasons of loss and upheaval. Maybe you, too, have had people who stepped in during your hardest moments, the ones who didn’t wait for permission to be there—they just showed up, arms wide open. It’s easy to get swept away by the pain of grief and forget the incredible acts of love that surrounded us during those times.

But here’s the thing: those acts of kindness, the ones that help hold us together, deserve to be truly acknowledged. I encourage you to take a moment and reflect with gratitude. Think about the people who showed up for you, the ones who carried you through your darkest days.

And if you feel it in your heart, let them know what their love meant to you. Tell them what it means to you, now.

Give people flowers while they are still here, while the moment is still yours to give.

Dear readers,

Writing is my livelihood, and it means the world to me that you’re here. I will always keep my writing paywall free, because I don’t feel like there should be a barrier for receiving encouragement. But for those who choose the paid support option, thank you for keeping my lights on.

Not just in my little house, but inside my heart, as well.

Love,

Mary Katherine